Don’t Ask To Pick My Brain.
And 11 other tips for building a strong professional network.
I’m at the stage in my career where I’m often reaching out to ask for advice, and I often have people reaching out to me for advice. My experience on both ends of that conversation has taught me that there are good and bad ways to do this.
If you’re reaching out to a stranger or acquaintance, the content of your email is usually the only data point they have on you. Depending on the quality of that email you’ll immediately be put into one of two categories:
worthy of time
or
waste of time.
So, for whatever it’s worth, here are some of my thoughts on how to be in the worthy of time category.
1. Don’t ask to “pick my brain.”
When you ask to pick somebody’s brain, you are essentially asking (often a stranger) if you can extract value without adding any value. It can feel very transactional and dehumanizing, as if it’s just the brain you want, rather than to build a relationship with a real person.
For most knowledge economy workers or entrepreneurs, the only thing of value they have is their brain. They are not paid to produce widgets, but to think and solve problems. Their brain is their only asset. So, when you ask to pick somebody’s brain, you are asking them to give away for free what they use to earn a living.
You can do better.
There are so many more human phrases that are better than “pick your brain”, such as:
“Can I get your advice on X?”
“I’d love to hear about your experience with Y.”
“Would you mind sharing your perspective on Z?”
2. Do your research…
It’s so easy to get general information about a person now. With a five-minute investment you can get a surprisingly specific amount of information about a person’s professional focus. So, if you don’t at least put that level of work in, it’s kind of an insult to that person you’re seeking to connect with, and makes you look like a lazy slacker. (Not a good look.)
Everyone is a little flattered when they know that you have done research on them and appreciate what they are specifically doing. It shows that you have at least a cursory level understanding and will separate you from the people who clearly don’t have a clue. Try to reference your research in the intro email. For instance:
“I noticed that you authored the white paper on X.”
“I see that you on the board of Y.”
3. But don’t be creepy.
Don’t be creepy. Even though our personal and professional lives are blending more and more, I’d keep your research to Google, Linkedin, Medium and professional websites. Stay away from their personal Instagram, Facebook and SnapChat. Nobody wants some random person talking about their most recent family vacation or how good they look in a bikini. It’s just creepy. Don’t be creepy.
4. Buy them a coffee.
….Or a lunch… or a drink. Getting some wisdom for the price of a cup of coffee is a heck of a deal. Obviously, their time is worth way more than a cup of coffee, but the offer shows that you are a giver not a taker, and this largely symbolic gesture goes a long way to building a positive image in their mind. (If you are reaching out to me, I like bourbon… just sayin’.)
5. Be specific.
Have a clear specific ask in mind when you schedule the meeting. It’s not their job to offer ideas about how they can help you. If they do, that’s great, but don’t expect it. Instead make a specific ask.
A specific ask gives context and guides the conversation in a certain direction. Additionally, it allows the person you are reaching out to opt out if they are not the best person to answer that question.
6. Be memorable.
Stand out from the crowd, in a good way. Write something witty or a little unexpected that will make you stick in their minds. This may be the tipping point that causes someone to hit the reply button instead of archive or delete.
7. Be brief.
The people you want connect with have crazy demands on their time, so if they have to get through a ten-paragraph email, they’ll just give up and move on. Keep the email short.
Make your request time-bound. I find a request of 20 minutes is a good amount of time. I wouldn’t ask for more than 30 minutes.
So here’s an example of an email I’d probably respond to:
Dear [Name]-
I recently read your article on [topic] and it inspired me to [action]. After further research, I noticed that [commonality]. I’m passionate about [area of common interest]. [Insert memorable sentence where relevant].
I know I could learn so much from you. I wonder if I could buy you a coffee and chat with you for twenty minutes to get your perspective on [specific request]?
8. Be kind to the gatekeeper.
If you are dealing with an assistant, be VERY kind to them. They have earned the trust of the person you want to connect with. The impression you leave on them will likely be communicated to their boss. If you’re a jerk to them, their boss’s calendar can become very full very quick, but if you’re kind, they are more likely to find a slot for you.
Once you have the meeting…
9. Make the most of the time.
Show up early. Be prepared. You are asking for their time, so don’t expect them to lead the conversation. You should have a general idea of the flow of the conversation. I hate when the first 15 minutes of a meeting is completely wasted then they try to cram 20 minutes of conversation in the last 5 minutes. Be conversational, not scripted, but make the most of your limited time. They will feel respected and you will optimize your opportunity to learn.
10. Be human.
The real, most genuine relationships are built on more than professional interests. Seek to find genuine mutual interests to forge a human connection. It’s always refreshing to find a point of connection outside of work, whether it’s an alma mater, a mutual contact, a hobby or interest, faith, values, or even being from the same hometown city.
11. Add value.
Instead of looking to immediately extract value, seek ways to add value. Even if you are younger in your career, you probably have some knowledge, expertise and connection to a community that is valuable. Be as generous as you can with any asset that may be valuable to the person you are reaching out to. Even if the offer is rejected, the intention goes a long way.
For instance you may ask:
How can I help promote what you are doing amongst my community on and offline?
I’m really fascinated about X project. Is there any way I could help you out by compiling some research for you?
Please let me know if I can add value to your project in any way, I love what you are doing and would love to help make sure it’s a success.
No matter how you phrase it, your last question should basically be, “How can I help you?”
12. Say thanks.
This is so simple. Follow up after the meeting to say thanks. Thank you’s come in different levels and are appropriate in different contexts:
Level 1 — Email saying thanks for the time and insight.
Level 2 — Level 1 + this is how your insight impacted my life.
Level 3 — Handwritten thank you note.
Level 4 — Level 3 + a small gift.
However you choose to say thanks, just make sure you do it.
Speaking of saying thanks, while I was working on this post I reached out to my friends and subscribers of Weekend Briefing and got some great insight from TJ Loeffler, Nathaniel Wong and Brendon O’Brien. Thanks guys!
